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| Well, I'm sitting now in the hospital wishing I was in bed instead.  But life's good.
Today's the first day of my optional elective in radiology and I finished writing my thesis (due this Wed) at 7am yesterday before catching two hours' of sleep, then it was off to church with a uni friend. It's been a long time since I caught up with her, and an even longer time since I shared about the love of God with someone who didn't know Him, so yesterday was bliss.
So, it's a month of radiology, part-time work as a lab tech, a final oral presentation at the faculty at the end of the month, and finding the remainder of the patient files left at the doctor's office. Then, it'll be graduation dinner and ceremony (so what if I'm not graduating? About all of my friends are and I'm going to pretend I'll be too), then the long-awaited flight back to Malaysia.  Not to forget the mission trip to Bangkok and miscellaneous voluntary activities that I need to tie up.
But before all that, there's sleep.
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| Just had to point out the tragic irony within the following article:
No men or women needed:artificial sperm and eggs created for the first time
Destroying babies to make babies? Artificial gametes created from embryonic stem cells. What is this world coming to, really. Considering all the starving, abused children around the world today, I don't understand the compulsion some couples have to undergo IVF in the first place...sure, you want a mini-me (or mini-us, rather) but IVF isn't always successful, children rarely turn out the way you want them to (I'm a testament to that), and with all the costs (physical, emotional and mental) incurred plus the liability of all those pesky extra embryos (are they alive or not? Do we have a responsibility for their welfare, i.e. discard them for research purposes or donate them to other couples or what?), it just doesn't seem worth it. To me, anyway.
This world's gone all crooked. But I guess it did a long time ago and the absurdity of it just keeps intensifying. With each technical or scientific advance we make, we take three steps backward in other areas (intelligence, morality, common sense, you name it).
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| Last night's match was D-E-L-I-G-H-T-F-U-L. If only I could persuade my mum to get cable TV here so I can actually watch it live.
Anyway, I've two weeks to finish up my 15,000-word thesis (which I have not formally started) so don't expect to see me around. Looking forward to the post-thesis and post-faculty-oral-presentation holidays! Not looking forward to the sleepless, adrenaline-fueled nights ahead.
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| Well, one of the issues gnawing at me for the past few weeks have been resolved.
I am going on my church mission trip to Thailand, but only for half the trip. Rather complicated story, but the trip comprises two separate journeys. The first is based at Bangkok and involves working with two YWAM missionaries originally from our church, and the second leg is with Compassion, the Christian equivalent of World Vision (a statement that doesn't make much sense since World Vision is actually Christian). Most people would go for the second half, seeing how the team will get to work with orphans and village kids then. However, I will be participating in the first half (Sun-Thurs) and returning to KL before the weekend.
It's a bit hard to explain; the typical response when I mention my problem of going or not is, "you're planning it, how can you not go on the trip as well?". Well, I'm not sure that that's a sufficient reason in itself. Just take a look at the big missions organisations like Pioneers; plenty of admin people who act as the support team (finance, logistics, etc) who don't actually get sent into the field, right?
There were a few selfish reasons for me not to go (2009 has been a very stressful year and I resent having any of my holiday taken up; I want to spend time with my dad before he leaves for Melbourne for Christmas; I don't want to spend any money on the Thailand mission trip that I could be saving up for my Europe trip next year), just to be brutally honest with myself. Beyond that, however, was the very salient point that after praying over my decision for months, I did not reach any place where I was at peace with God or myself. Should I go, God? No answer. Should I not go, God (you know I don't want to - not this year, anyway)? No answer. Hmm...
What if I go for part of the trip? Bingo, it seemed like all the pieces fell together (in my mind, anyhow). It's difficult to describe how being at peace with God about any situation feels like if one hasn't experienced it for oneself. It's like how everything becomes "right", like a fuzzy picture on TV coalescing and arranging itself into a HD-quality scene of, I don't know, some Tourist Australia advertisement, like how the random strains and howls of the orchestra form into a majestic symphony under the conductor's instructions. I haven't seen the skies part and a solid beam of sunlight shine down accompanied by an angelic chorus...yet, anyway.
After clearing it with the YWAM missionaries, with the church Missions director and with the team leader (thank God everything went through speedily and easily), everything was settled. Except for a little nagging uncertainty about why God would allow me that weekend reprieve. Is something big going to happen then that requires me to be in KL? What if nothing occurs? How do I explain myself then? All these silly thoughts ran through my mind for the past few days. Then the Spirit reminded me that even if it was just to get extra rest, what's wrong with that? Why do I need to feel guilty about doing nothing? Even God Himself rested on the seventh day, what more a weak human like me?
So, I will - hopefully - learn to rest. Even in this small matter, it's already hard to give the reins to God, what more other more important parts of life? Trusting in God with all one's heart, and leaning not on one's own understanding (Proverbs 3:5) is difficult when one doesn't have all the cards in one's hand. But I think that's the point of being God; He's the only one who can see what has been, what is and what is to come, and make sense of it all.
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| This is a simpler elaboration on why I wrote what I wrote in the previous blog (an explanation of an explanation, if you will).
One of the guiding posts of my life has been my firm belief in being in the will of God; I've been accused of having a very black-and-white view of the world and that's probably true to some extent. I know when I'm doing "all right" in terms of my relationship with God and when I'm not. I've been blessed in that I rarely ever doubt God, whether it's in relation to His nature (the paradox between His being all-powerful and absolutely good and the existence of evil and suffering; otherwise known as the problem of pain) or to His calling (in my case, to missions). Such a so-called easy path in life (so far, at any rate) means that I may have many blind spots and be vulnerable in circumstances that the average person would have encountered and overcome earlier in his/her life...I suppose. I'm not objective enough to say whether that's true or not.
So, let's say you're sure that God has ordained that event A is to happen and this event is, say, what would be commonly called a "life-defining" one (whatever that may be). Then comes an obstacle that renders event A improbable - admittedly, not impossible, but so improbable that it's like a car travelling at 80km/h screeching to a halt at the traffic lights (speed camera, whatever).
You start doubting yourself, and whether you heard God correctly. Because, after all, if you were wrong in this one thing, who's to say that you're not wrong in all the other decisions, all the other convictions you've made over the entire course of your life as well? This is one of my struggles. It's rather like a game of dominoes; push one piece over and the whole series falls.
From there, it's not a great leap of imagination to start second-guessing God's promises, and in turn, your identity in Christ. It's not like the devil needs to do a lot, you know. Having a healthy awareness of one's own faults, sins and insufficiency is necessary to counteract one's ego and it's the ground where gratitude best grows. However, it also means that all Satan needs to do is tip one over the edge and bingo, depression, doubt and all its sequelae.
In reference to the missions course I mentioned in the previous blog (called Perspectives on the World Christian Movement, by the way), its primary goal is to help students discover "what God is doing around the world and consider [their] part in His purposes". Most Christians I know are searching to discover God's will for them specifically. Well, sometimes, I feel that it's not just enough to find out what God's purposes for you are (tip: it will always be in relation to what He is doing around the world). It's the waiting for its unfolding and for its fulfillment that will really test our human (i.e. so very painfully limited) patience and faith.
I still can't see my way out; it's an unusual feeling. It's frightening as well (I don't handle loss of control over my life very well, as you can see). But I'm learning that, more than ever, my faith "should not be in the wisdom of men but in the power of God" (1 Corinthians 2:5). And it is in His power that I will trust. It is in my weakness that His strength is made perfect. It is when I am weak that I am strong. (2 Corinthians 12:9-10). I don't understand, but I will trust. "For now we see in a mirror, dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part, but then I shall know just as I also am known." (1 Corinthians 13:12)
Even if I never find out here on earth why (I fervently hope that I will, though), I will, one day. And in that day, "God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying; and there shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away." (Revelation 21:4)
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